When loving her was so wrong, it made me write. Pugnaciously embracing anguished adjectives that describe a hurt boy’s journey to manhood. Understanding my dejection helps decode my truculent exterior. One told me I was “not humble or gracious” and everything I do would fail until I embraced these principles. What she never knew is sleeping on floors and sofas, being lied to by “mentors”, being taken advantage of by those touting “fraternity”, and watching my mother nearly die because of depression and a failed suicide attempt made me humble and gracious.
I have experienced enough pain to silence life’s salvo and abscond secretly into a safe emotional place. I apologize for not hiding my intelligence when the world deifies stupidity. I apologize for rudely and empathically rejecting a woman, a friend, and a lover who may not fully appreciate my hand-made flaws stroked by God himself. My aesthetic deportment surfaced by divine commission, and my mental vicissitude is justified by my triumphs in the midst of my trials. I know my value, and I will no longer tuck my aptitude within the “for sale” table next to tickets to a movie you don’t a like and a dinner you don't want!
I want to be loved, but I want to be loved my way! A jagged course of calamity interrupted by a few moments of joy does not constitute love in my book. I wrote a book about how to love me, not “the next man” or “the man of your dream’s”. In this book, I stressed the importance of not “missing your blessing by blessing your curse,” and I also accentuate the notion of “every struggle in life that begins with you, ends with you.” With the preponderation of these factions, why the hell would I let someone continue to mistreat me and allow an apology to negate my story, my book, my profession: “Loving Myself: Diary of a Wounded Soul”?
Be careful what you say to me, because I may, just may, take your words to heart. Be careful what you say, because I may, just may, be listening . . . kaj
Posted By: Kevin Jenkins
Thursday, March 5th 2009 at 10:15AM
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